Good Night? NOT!!!

I have always been a night owl. I was one of those young singles that went out at 11 pm, stayed up until 3 am, slept until 11 am, ate breakfast at 12 pm. Oh, those were the good old days. "BC." Before children.

Obviously, once the children arrived, I was forced to live like a normal human being. Bed at 11, up at 7. But life is cyclical, thank goodness, and now that the kids are older, I can stay up late again, to watch movies, peruse the internet, go out with girlfriends, or read.

But since I have yet to win the lottery, or inherit great sums of money, I am employed outside the home. I feel pangs of panic, as I creep up the stairs, in the dark, when it’s past 1 am. I know that I shall pay the price, with dark circles and bags, wreaking havoc with my attempt to look decent, the following morning. Being vain is a heavy burden.

Therefore, the sleep that I do get needs to be solid, quality sleep, right? Alas, no such luck. The husband has a nasty snoring habit. I’m not talking, that light little "puh," that people blow out of their mouths. I’m talking bed shaking, ear blasting, waves of nasal earthquakes.

It gets better. I have two labs that love to frequent my room for their nightly slumber. Yes, they too snore, kick, cry, fart, and dream throughout the night.

Last night, I found myself alternating jabs to the hubby with my hand or foot, *grumbling* "PLEASE, ROLL ON YOUR SIDE," cursing the old lab to "SHUT UP," as he snored his way to doggy nirvana, and attempting to quiet the other lab in her cries and yelps, as she was trying to chase that elusive bunny that haunts and teases her dreams.

Wait, it gets worse. The yorkie that my dear, sweet, [asshole] husband bought for our daughter’s 13th birthday, (obviously, against my wishes), who of course, has attached herself to ME, like every other fucking animal in that house, and who sleeps by my head, has now joined in the reverie that has become my bedtime lullaby. Yes, the 10 pound rat has now begun snoring as well.

Least she’s easy to silence.

April Fool’s Day

Having a, um, high-energy kid sure is fun.

She thought it would be oh-so-cute to put a rubber band around the spray attachment to the kitchen sink to hold the handle down.

Imagine my, um, surprise, when attempting to fill the coffee pot this morning, and instead, being showered by water from the spray attachment.

It’s hard being pissed off while you’re laughing.

I just need to figure out how I shall pay her back.

Time is on my side??? Not.

I had good intentions of blogging regularly, and I never find time to write anything of substance.

Of course, working full-time, for the most part, taking care of two kids, one of whom thinks I’m her personal chauffeur, cleaning up after 3 dogs, one cat, and a messy bird, attempting to work out somewhat regularly, and trying to keep the house from looking like a bomb-hit, wreak havoc with any free time that I could possibly claim as my own. Oh yeah, and I picked up, On The Road, on my trip to Hotlanta, which I am enjoying and want to finish reasonably soon.

And I have actually been too busy at work, to do anything other than work. Imagine that!

Well, I am looking forward to my next girl’s trip. My best friend and I are going to San Francisco for my birthday. So far, we have a limo tour of Napa scheduled. I want to see Alcatraz (I read the night tours are a blast), Muir Woods (home of those big-ass redwood trees), and Sausalito. Shlep around SF and do the touristy things. I wish I had time to go down to Carmel, Big Sur and Monterey, but it just isn’t going to happen. Should be fun, and something to look forward to after my trip to Orlando the end of April.

Another positive note....the trip to Orlando could be looking up. I received an email from an old boyfriend I’ve reconnected with, and he will be in Florida the same time that I will be in Orlando. He has his pilot’s license, and is flying to Florida to see an old mutual friend that supposedly bought a hotel in the Keys. How fun would it be to fly down to the Keys for an afternoon and hang with those two? But, I’d have to leave my daughter in Orlando, and I’m guessing, the hubby may get pissed if he were to get wind of that. He has no sense of humor.

Something to ponder anyway.

Humor for a Thursday

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back , licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!

Um, Nevamind

I'm going to Disney World!!!

And I'm using my $100 ticket voucher that United sent to me for the lovely service provided on my last attempt to fly the friendly skies! That was the the gesture of good will extended for having to spend $264 to rent a car to get the hell out of Atlanta, and the 11 hours it took me to drive home. Gee, thanks.

The woes of flying on United again will probably pale in comparison to my anticipated stay at a military resort on Disney property, and attend a 3 day cheer competition. I can only imagine the humanity I will encounter.

Fly the Friendly Skies?

So I happened to be in Hotlanta last weekend for a cheer competition.

Scheduled to fly out with two 14 year old cheerleaders in tow Sunday evening. Yes, that would be the Sunday evening during which tornados were rolling through the Southeast. Flight was canceled. Made a reservation for Monday to fly out. A connecting flight, but that’s ok. As long as I get home Monday. In that case, "May I have a vodka, please, bartender." Made a new friend...enjoyable *hiccup* evening.


We left for the airport on Monday two hours in advance of the departure time. Walked up to the line for the United counter.

United ticket agent: "Ma’am you can use the automated ticket machine."
Hung over cheer mom: "I don’t have an e-ticket ma’am. My flight was canceled last night, and I have a reservation on the 1:55 flight to Charlotte. I couldn’t print out my e-ticket." *smiling-- stupidly*
Surly United ticket agent: *glaring as if I had a 2nd head* "Well, I’ll get to you whenever I can."
Hung over cheer mom: *slides to the side, thinking, damned bitch...who shit in her wheaties*

Time passes.

Surly United ticket agent: "Ok ma’am you can approach the counter. What flight are you scheduled on?"
Increasingly irritated hung over cheer mom: "The 1:55 to Charlotte. And then Charlotte to Dulles."
Surly ticket bitch: "Hand me your paperwork."
Increasingly irritated Hung over cheer mom: "Here’s the e-tickets for the canceled flight. I don’t have any paperwork for the current reservation. I couldn’t generate an e-ticket. Here’s the flight infor..."
Surly bitch: *interrupting* "I need your picture id!"
Pissed-off cheer mom: *flicks driver’s license on the counter, fighting the urge to bitch slap the ticket agent*

More time passes as the surly bitch prints out tickets and generally demeans and offends every human with whom she happens to have contact. I look at the tickets. They have me going to Charlotte, then to Roanoke then to Dulles. With one child. Another one for whom I am responsible is on a different flight.

Pissed-off cheer mom: "Ma’am. I was never informed I was flying to Roanoke. We are not all on the same flight. We need to stay together. I’m responsible for these kids."
Surly bitch: *glaring* "Ma’am, these are the flights you are booked on." She huffs and puffs. Looks at her computer. "No ma’am. The direct flight from Charlotte to Dulles is full. You’ll have to go to the US Airways check-in counter (we are now booked on a US Airways flight) to see if they can fit you on the direct flight, or move the one passenger to your flight through Roanoke. There is nothing else I can do for you."
Pissed-off cheer mom: *thinking "besides take your head out of your ass?"*

I have been at the airport for well over an hour. I am sick of this woman and her serious lack of social skills. I decide to try my luck at US Airways.

After standing in line, again, the US Airways rep says: "Last call for luggage for the 1:55 to Charlotte."
Panicked pissed-off cheer mom: "Sir, we are suppose to be on that flight."
He motions me up. Looks at my paperwork.
US Airways: "Ma’am, this flight is oversold. I can’t issue you boarding passes because I can’t give you seat. You need to go back to the United counter."

O-M-G--not back to the surly bitch!!! Sulking, I return to United, I convey the conversation.
Surly bitch: "Did you ask to speak to his supervisor? They gave you the seats last night. You have to be on that plane."
Desperate cheer mom: *thinking, "no shit"* "No, I didn’t ask to speak to his supervisor. I bought the ticket from United. It is United’s responsibility to provide seats for the tickets I purchased."
Surly bitch: *grumbling under her dragon breath* "Follow me."
We follow the SB back to the US Airways counter, where she proceeds to argue with the US Airways rep. We are running out of time.

I am instructed to do the impossible, get to the US Airways gate, where I will try to board a plane, that is full, and scheduled to take off in 25 minutes. Stand-by..yeah right. I’d jump off a ten story building to get away from that woman. I'm game--we try. We don’t make it–of course. We were flagged for a personal hands-on search by one of those frisky NTSB employees. Yeah, baby.

Trudge back to the United counter. My head hurts at this point. My feet hurt. The two 14 year olds in two are tired, hungry, frustrated and on the verge of tears. Me, too.

The saving grace: the surly bitch is no where to be seen. Another United agent spends an hour searching for another flight for us. No luck.

Ah, Plains, Trains and Automobiles has nothing on me! I call Amtrak. No train to DC before the next day. I have to work on Tuesday...deadlines and such. I decide I’ll rent a car and drive the 10+ hours back home. Just get me out of this hell-hole.

I think I’ll drive from now on. Fuck the friendly skies.

Confession

I guess it’s time to face reality. I have become.....a cheer mom.

My 14 year old daughter was a competitive gymnast for 7 years. I really enjoyed watching her compete, although it was nerve-wracking and heartbreaking at times. Gymnastics is a sport that strives for perfection–it was hard to watch my daughter realize that she wasn't perfect, no matter how hard she tried. We spent thousands and thousands of dollars, traveled the country and made great friends.

Once she had middle school to look forward to, she said no more. No more Friday nights at practice, no to 17 hours a week in the gym and weekends spent at meets. The coaches tried to convince her to stay but she was adamant. And I respected and stood by her decision.

I encouraged her to try another sport. Something to hopefully take advantage of the skills she acquired as a competitive gymnast (yeah and the thousands and thousands of dollars we invested.) Diving?? Yes!! What a great sport. Gymnasts make great divers! "No," she said. Absolutely not.

Cheerleading? Competitive cheerleading? Oh boy. What did I get myself into?

Fast forward a year and a half. She is a level 5 competitive cheerleader now and loves it. We are traveling as much as we did in gymnastics. It is fun to watch her team compete. Most cheer parents sit and watch the competition compete as well. We’re talking sitting in a convention center, with funked out dance music blasting, for a period of at least 4 hours.

Before I became a "cheer mom," I had a mental image of the cheer mom. All those cliches. Pushy, obnoxious, redneck, big hair, living vicariously through their daughters. I have seen so many of those moms, I have lost count. And the dads? Yeah, they are out there too, and equally amusing. Or is it just disturbing?

When my daughter’s team isn’t competing, I steal free-time to read. Anyone with kids knows what a precious commodity free-time is. I’m usually surrounded by moms and dads on their quick cigarette breaks, rushing back to watch yet another team perform their routine. While the other parents sit and drink coffee or sodas and discuss the unfairness of deductions assessed against the routines, I visit the bartender, get a glass of wine, and read my book. Damn, life as a cheer mom isn’t so bad after all.

Now I have done the unthinkable. I have volunteered to act as a chaperone to a cheer competition this weekend. On a chartered bus, no less. To Columbus, Ohio, even.

Yes, I have crossed to the other side. With my latest book in hand.